Mothers and Lessons
Mothers help bring out all your emotions.
Anger at always being treated as if 'you don't know', intense irritation at their 'I know..', frustration at their inability to understand your point of view, guilt at hurting them with your tone, your words, not taking better care of them and their needs,not spending enough time, feeling 'not good enough' when they criticize you or your way of life, feeling 'better than' when we are able to put our feet up and not worry about chores, feeling 'less than' when you think of all they have done and the way they have lived through so many odds and feeling 'love' and so many more...
My mother is visiting and even though I have evolved from a 100% intolerant daughter a few years ago, to may be a 50% one, I am still surprised by some of the emotions that surface for trivial matters..triggers that bring out the suppressed emotions I'm sure. These days I erupt at something (less frequently than before) and then sit down and wonder why. I try to see what she is reflecting that I cannot accept in me.
Typical things I get mad at :
I was with a client and she waits for lunch... I hate that. I was going to eat with my client.Now I'm forced to make it a social event. ( I expected that she would have eaten and I could continue talking to my client about work. I should have clearly stated what I wanted and avoided the unexpected.) I hate the 'caring' bit.. (where were you when I needed you?)Not her 'fault' but that's probably what I feel, otherwise there is no reason to reject the 'caring'. I care for her too.
You need a fan in the kitchen ...umpteenth time. This time I replied peacefully" You told me that before. I think you will be happy if I have a fan in my kitchen" I saw a hint of a smile.
Clearing up after meals... wiping the dishes/vessels clean with fingers, then with some water in it and cleaning out any speck remaining and then pouring that liquid into one of the bowls. disgusting to watch... probably makes me feel that "i waste a lot of food !" and therefore makes me feel guilty("you waste a lot of food") and project it as anger on to her. I can just do the clearing up myself or leave it to her and leave the scene. I don't believe that I have to wipe my dishes like she does. I have a choice. I am not wasting anything. I must feel guilty about my lifestyle because I was drilled with beliefs like " You should not waste this, or waste that..." I have a right to choose my life and face the consequences of my choice..just the way she has.
The amount of time and energy she spends clearing up after meals and transferring stuff from one dish to the other after every meal..I feel is a total waste of energy and time.. and dilutes the taste.... She'll get so much more time to relax if she didn't do that.. I must be wasting my energy like that some where ..that's why I get so irritated.
Come to think of it, all this is hardly anything. I have evolved a lot. I don't seem to have much against her ...
This is not about criticizing my mother or myself. It is about realizing that what irritates me the most is something that's teaching me a lesson. She's just giving me some more opportunities to see my patterns ... and release them by recognizing them as such.
Anger at always being treated as if 'you don't know', intense irritation at their 'I know..', frustration at their inability to understand your point of view, guilt at hurting them with your tone, your words, not taking better care of them and their needs,not spending enough time, feeling 'not good enough' when they criticize you or your way of life, feeling 'better than' when we are able to put our feet up and not worry about chores, feeling 'less than' when you think of all they have done and the way they have lived through so many odds and feeling 'love' and so many more...
My mother is visiting and even though I have evolved from a 100% intolerant daughter a few years ago, to may be a 50% one, I am still surprised by some of the emotions that surface for trivial matters..triggers that bring out the suppressed emotions I'm sure. These days I erupt at something (less frequently than before) and then sit down and wonder why. I try to see what she is reflecting that I cannot accept in me.
Typical things I get mad at :
I was with a client and she waits for lunch... I hate that. I was going to eat with my client.Now I'm forced to make it a social event. ( I expected that she would have eaten and I could continue talking to my client about work. I should have clearly stated what I wanted and avoided the unexpected.) I hate the 'caring' bit.. (where were you when I needed you?)Not her 'fault' but that's probably what I feel, otherwise there is no reason to reject the 'caring'. I care for her too.
You need a fan in the kitchen ...umpteenth time. This time I replied peacefully" You told me that before. I think you will be happy if I have a fan in my kitchen" I saw a hint of a smile.
Clearing up after meals... wiping the dishes/vessels clean with fingers, then with some water in it and cleaning out any speck remaining and then pouring that liquid into one of the bowls. disgusting to watch... probably makes me feel that "i waste a lot of food !" and therefore makes me feel guilty("you waste a lot of food") and project it as anger on to her. I can just do the clearing up myself or leave it to her and leave the scene. I don't believe that I have to wipe my dishes like she does. I have a choice. I am not wasting anything. I must feel guilty about my lifestyle because I was drilled with beliefs like " You should not waste this, or waste that..." I have a right to choose my life and face the consequences of my choice..just the way she has.
The amount of time and energy she spends clearing up after meals and transferring stuff from one dish to the other after every meal..I feel is a total waste of energy and time.. and dilutes the taste.... She'll get so much more time to relax if she didn't do that.. I must be wasting my energy like that some where ..that's why I get so irritated.
Come to think of it, all this is hardly anything. I have evolved a lot. I don't seem to have much against her ...
This is not about criticizing my mother or myself. It is about realizing that what irritates me the most is something that's teaching me a lesson. She's just giving me some more opportunities to see my patterns ... and release them by recognizing them as such.
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