Father's Day

 

 

I’m glad Hari is the father of my(our?) daughter. He’s a wonderful, expressive, communicative father. He asks questions, listens, gives space, teaches and learns from her. (Well most of the time, except when he’s caught up with his stresses-sometimes). He’s very gentle and loving. Well, Anjali may have some issues, but this is from what I see and sense.

 Celebrating Father's day reminds me of my father and my relationship with my father. He was soft and gentle with me and didn’t interfere with my mother’s style of parenting which was different. He woke me up early to study for my Board Exams -  with a cup of tea and stayed awake so I don’t fall asleep. Motivated me to do well in the 7th boards by promising me a watch (a very big deal- not approved by mom at the time), bought me a Kinetic when I got my first job(he intended it as a gift!) and so much more. I was with him in the last - couple of years of his life - took him around on my Kinetic sometimes.

Last year I designed(or intuited more like) and facilitated a program called “My Mother and I” which was about 10-12  zoom calls with a group of participants committed to deep work and all of us had great breakthroughs with our early attachment issues.

 It helped me heal a lot of mother wounds myself and helped me when my mother became ill and died later that year. I believe I was much more open and loving and vulnerable and that gave her the space to be that with me too. The one month that I spent with her in the hospital, at home, care-giving, bathing, feeding, playing cards, bantering, admonishing when she threw tantrums or holding her hand when she had nightmares - was the best connection I ever had with her - She was vulnerable, I was open, and it was heartbreaking and heart warming all at the same time. But it was beautiful. I never felt more connected to her. I was also afraid to connect precisely because I didn’t want to experience the loss I would feel. When my father died more than 29 years ago, I was numb, dissociated. Never remember really crying or grieving.

I have this feeling now that it’s a good time to explore the relationship with my father and reflect on how it may have impacted my life and my choices in terms of money, work, success , self worth etc. And do a ‘ My Father and I’  program this year to dig deep, look at what we’ve been avoiding and liberate the stuck energy if any and get a move on.