Cleaning....

Recently when Aai left for America, I took it upon myself to clean up her place... why would I want to do that, when I could have just relaxed and enjoyed myself. Especially since it appears that she doesn't want anything cleaned up anyway....

I don't know, its almost a compulsive need in me to clean her house. I don't like the fact that she surrounds herself with lots and lots of stuff- from the smallest bit of paper that enters the house to the largest cupboards and shelves... and every bit is preserved. As you can imagine, over the years, the free space is reduced and trash is filled up in every nook and corner. So the 'bai' that comes in doesn't know where to start cleaning, so she doesn't. Result... all surfaces are filled with dust, webs and you name it...

Since I visit from time to time, I suggest not without expectation that she should not collect any more stuff or provide storage space for junk in the hope that it might be needed some day, but I guess that's her nature. I understand that she does not like depending on anyone for anything and therefore likes to have everything with her. Most things that she needs from time to time, she doesn't find anyway because she has to look in the haystack.

I am sure she has a compulsive 'need' in her to store stuff - probably to feel 'safe' or whatever, just as I have a 'need' to clean her place. Or to throw out the 'junk' and unnecessary stuff.

So coming back to the point, I cleaned.. with help from Hari and the 'bhangar walla' who was thrilled to bits and enthusiatically climbed all nooks and corners to find 'treasures' in return for disposing off trash. Win-win situation. We promised to meet again next time because there is one more such nook to be cleaned up.

But my feelings in this are mixed. I should feel happy and elated that I am doing this service for her, but I don't. I also feel bad and guilty because at the end of the day, its her house and she can keep it the way she wants. Who am I to tell her what to keep and what to throw. Would I like it if someone told me what to do with my house? I don't think so... Maybe now, i'll be open to suggestions... who knows?

Well, I justify what I'm doing telling myself that it is needed for maintaining a basic cleanliness and space and that she is unable to do it. I also am open to giving her new stuff in case something she needs gets thrown out... Also I asked her if I could clean up before she left and she said 'yes'.... So Pune, here I come again!

Dear God, my intention is good.... so forgive me.

Comments

  1. HarimohanMay 7, 2011 at 9:59 PM

    I distinctly remember her saying 'Yes' without a moment's hesitation when you asked her if you could clean up. That is God's sign - what else do you want? This is Win-Win-Win - all three of you happy - you, Aai and God! And maybe for the 'bai' as well.

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  2. RajendraMay 7, 2011 at 10:25 PM

    I remember getting a firing when we did this many years ago. Times have changed.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Amar CheguAugust 4, 2011 at 10:02 PM

    First, your mother felt the need to store because it fulfilled an inner need (which she felt strongly about and which may not be possible to articulate clearly at once). Second, she gave your her permission to de-clutter her home - an indication that she wants to move on (its a good thing that you offered your services). Third, you feel guilty as this storing habit defines her to you in your mind. Your de-cluttering exercise is therefore militating against this memory/definition. Hence the guilt (which is okay to feel and let go, as you, yourself would say). When she is back, you need to spend time with her, understanding her hopes, fears, challenges and tribulations as a daughter and as an adult. Just spend a few days along with her, as she goes about her routine ... this will redefine her for you and give you a chance to express your obvious love for her. Till then spend a few minutes each day contemplating on your memories of her, as you grew up. Wish you the Best.

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